cursed curser!!

ok I have a computer which has all the latest and then some of graphics that make second life look awesome fantastic, but then I suddenly got this massive problem, at first it was a time problem from fooling around with youtube massive amounts.. and sorting through my silly written words.
Now I am cursed, my curser within second life has become invisible, its like I can not do a single thing when I want to because something gets messed up. I left it, but the massive amounts of things are still building up, and people I know sent me stuff, group invites which I wanted to be a part of ect.
Pulling hairs out now, I quickly realize, going bald won't help me, however it will give me a different look. This may take some time, and I haven't got the time to be charged for a premium account if I can not transfer the little petty cash I made directly back into second life.. I wonder if I should or not since I've had problems.
My first conflict was the fact that people are suing SL and SL is pretending that it has no obligation to some people who's matterial gets ripped. Then there is the time, but without a curser, my time wouldn't even be spent chatting, because I can't even answer the chat!!

I was slightly impressed with an offical response to the third party viewer question, but then I got a survay in the e post and wondered what the hell were they thinking of.. concering the whole xsl market suck... yeah, I don't know what to do. It would help if I could get things working for one. But this whole BS has just made me less likely to take precious time to fix it, and I would rather fix my xtranormal.com stuff instead.

A sudden feeling..

Today I am hit with the sudden feeling of clarity as if the answer for me is to look over some of my projects and create a full avatar (with my own clothing and attachments (no hair but hair tattoo)) and start people off with something like this.

I want to celibrate my "one year" in this buisness by creating a group and giving a group gift as well, but sometimes time is a problem and the contraints can make my humble goals, even more ambitious than I would like them to be. However I have laid out the groundwork in bits and bobs so I only have to "sew it up" to make all the parts make perfect sense.

I need to create a MALE avatar though, I have some wonderful shapes but I want to make a skin that really doesn't look too much like a "pretty boy" and this is just my problem, its really easy to make a pretty boy, but to make a distinctive and endearing skin, like that of Escos who I hold to the greatest most expressive male faces I have seen on the grid.

I desire to give that kind of life and art to a face of a man, as human men (and women) have "soul" which is expressed via the face..now maybe women often wear make up and hide or exagerate much of the expressiveness, the typical male face does not have this mask, thus I definately feel strongly that any typical non-boyish, non-metro looking male face MUST have that element of truth within its capacity..

no more no less.

I don't go for ideals, the ideals of Kens and Barbies are for those who do not strive for a real art but rather a reflection of the doll. Not a reflection of the humanity, and I wish to mearly reflect the complexity of humanity, but feel very critical about my capacity to do skin in the way I feel is most beautiful, although as I have stated, I have laid much ground work and have many files which I may just start ditching due to a new idea flying into my head.. as I have gotten better with photo layers on top of these wonderful skin layers by Eloh Eliot so I'm going to do that..

I know my capacity, its there, its just that the element of time is never on my side, even with so much so called "free time" there are always things to do, as I look out on the garden.

Here I am on day 16, still this hard arse redness does not seem to want to go away, I have this strange feeling of worms in the throat, as if I may have some strange parasites that wish to come UP and out, if only this feeling would leave! Can parasites live in the throat? or even climb up from the stomach instead of go out the other way? Who can say? I just don't want to be the home to such things.. even if they be fake and psychotic images created by my mind to make sense of the sensations.. best that it goes away!

this is all for the moment.. I may have something more later on.

The irony of "shop yourself happy"

Opening the news paper this very morning, I find on page 9 of the kultur section, it was an answer to a psychologist explaining why you can not "shop yourself happy" and that one does not become happier by shoping, and that you can not actually measure the actual self-esteme in how many pairs of boots one has..

The point in the post was that the pyschologist was liking the entire fashion world to victims of some mental illness..mostly related to shopping to make one's self happy.

And yet I have to wonder, who can actually measure a really marked and honest self evaluation of happiness through the amount of things you have or have shopped for?

No one I know, and although I have seen people happy over their purchases, I have to be honest with you, its not that that makes people happy, its probably the fact that they for a moment were dazzled with the quality or the luxury of the item, the design the aquiring of a well made thing.. but is that real and geniune happiness?

Its a certain amount of pride but you can have pride in any kind of feeling, like today I have pride in the fact that I don't feel bad.. that has got to be a good thing, right? Especially since I was puking all night yesterday! I don't even know why.. but for some reason I feel great today..weird.

Oh and if its about the beauty factors that comes with some kind of fact that when I flew off my moped head first and landed on my face that it only scratched my teeth on the pavement.. it was the chance of actually being perminatly scared for life or not.. to have knocked out a tooth for example in the front, isn't really a "beauty trait" on most women.. I mean I've only seen at one point in time ONE woman with a chipped tooth as a beauty queen and that was miss Scotland, 1979.

So lets see, avatar beauty contests... right, the beautiful object I create, dress in beautiful objects created by me or others and the combination I put them in, a concentraited version of the RL fashion industry from the artistic to the pure capitalistic...(the kind you have a choice or those who believe there is no other choice if you wish to show your good taste)

There are of course the lower ends of this, the Barbies and Kens, or the escape from the human form all together.. with the explaination, "we don't need to wear clothes or try on new skins, we are creatures.." but what about something in the middle.. something neither right nor left nor up nor down, but something that says, "this is what I like myself, this is what I like to feel comfortable..mentally"

So with some of my shapes I started off with, I hypothisise what if I were... "taller", what if I were "fatter" what if I were "thinner" what if I had eyes like this?

What if I were dark skinned, what if I were a ghost, and what if I were me...?

What if I were younger, what if I were older, what if I were the same age I am only had more to spend on a wardrobe?

What if I were a boy? What if I were a vampire? What if I were a goldfish.. or a dragonfly or a bowl of soup?

ahhhhhhaaah.. as long as these things had good eyes, I don't care!!!

I see a picture of Ingmar Bergman in the newspaper.. it must be a sign of the coming coffee shortage apocolipse..

I think I have some other silly things to do now..sorry about this, I know I've really got to draw the line somewhere aside from making random posts.. you know? I think I will wait until next week to start my group, so no one steal the name, ok?

Forget money.. its an illusion, give us stuff we can use!

How is that for a protest? No but seriously, I guess I can see the idea of what people know about me and my attempts to try to use different systems to deal with lacking of things..

I mean its often as if money is some magical thing, it makes all problems go away, doors open and leaves the rent paid and the heat and telephone on for yet another month. I've not got problems with that aspect, but why does this end up being the end goal when I'm supposed to be happy? Tell me how this differs from a Soviet styled Golag when we are working ourselves silly trying to be happy and can't even buy back the time that is supposed to be our collective "God Given Rights" as supposedly free people.

When is my time my own if I am a part of a system that encourages me to undersell my own potential to be gainfully employed? I do not want to go around sueing people to get what I need either.. sometime I wonder, some people have often said that they owe me.. well if they owed me so much then damnit, pay me the fuck back! But then or should I just pass it on to the other person who says I owe them.. or perhaps person A should in turn meet once again with person B. They can talk about me behind my back and leave me out of it.. and have a wonderful time.

Ah this Mercury retrograde, killing me, with the Equanox coming in a few days and tomorrow being the new moon at about 10 pm or so, I have to hurry up and make my plans for starting my longer fast, it seems I didn't get rid of the stuff I needed to get rid of.. so I have to restart. If it takes less time then it will be less time, but I know now, that I needed more than 10 days, and I may have needed 20 days to clear up my skin, because it was totally clear after the 6th day, however now its back, its like I can't win..

Its not allergies either.. its down to this bacteria that I don't even know about, that maybe everyone has, but it just causes problems for me and maybe other people.. so all the antibiotic treatments, did nothing but sedate it for a few weeks.. then the same thing again, but it is true that I could have been on 40 days antibiotics and still get the same effect of 10 days of fast without the problems of the antibiotics such as the intestinal distress and the nausia not to mention other side effect such as the impartial forming of blood cells producing anemia.. nice one to leave alone.. and then extreme sun senstivity.. yeah. This year, antibiotics free, prize, I didn't have problems with the sun, and even though I sunburned it only recently pealed off.. not bad, I was commended by the mother in law for the "healthy look" :P Two edged sword pharmaciticals, another problem is and how it relates to Second life is that so many people are "virtually ill"

I don't wish to point out everyone as some kind of victim in a larger scheme of things but when mentioned about not trusting in big Pharma, the ideas underlying that are not "the Americans pay through the nose so you don't" when if a drug is approved here, it goes through a completely different system of judgement but it still notices what they do in America. Another thing is, in America doctors can deal directly and get sold directly for ever prescription they write and pharmacological companies not only pay for adverts in magazines read by doctors, but also meet up with them to show them their new drugs. There are sales representitives from these companies that my country will not see because this is not the way they approve a drug for usage where as, it seems that the American market pretty much makes a drug sells it to the doctors and possibly markets to the patients.. with "Ask your doctor is bla bla bla is right for you?"..

I not see my need for any pharmasutical become based upon the demand of other people for a fictional illness that someone else may claim I have.

Now days I see that they have come back to the idea that some things are not psychosymatic illness such as ME. There are actually treatments for it, and it is drugs and missusage of antibiotics which seems to be the common thread and yet when I looked up ME, in English on a US based site, I read something about depression and antidepressents.

Its like this foolishness of treating stomach ulcers with pain killers and librium and some antacids and avoid spicy foods.. Now you know it is caused by a nasty little bacteria, one thing that can kill it is enzimes in unpasterised honey.. of all things. which is kind of weird and cool, but mostly its treated with a series of antibiotics which is much better than having someone saying, its all in your head, you are not sick you just need antidepressants.

Sad thing was, when they start treating a girl with TB using antidepressants, that is depressing, makes me want to swallow a whole bottle of anything that makes me ignore the stupidity of some doctors. Its like if you see all illness as infection or as depression, thats what you will experience. I'm going to have to make a few leaps of faith in the coming weeks as I have just recently done. I know that there are probably lots of people who have the ablity to cure themselves but medicines are just holding them back, sort of like crutchs on a perfectly able to walk person, if you are left in crutches when you can walk, it impairs your ablity to walk, and deforms you.

I am sick of life giving people the only thing money can't buy, as JCC said, "poverty" poverty of lack of health and poverty of believing you are poor because you don't have money, thus some people need to get over their addiction.. perhaps myself, having come to the point where now I am buying stuff again.. yes I do buy stuff. But I spent a whole 8 months as a non-consumer nothing new, not nessisary either.. nothing unless it was nessisary unless it was food or something for my son, where as this is how things work, nothing for me save for the proper parisables.

I have to go to the health food shop, perhaps have a look for my son's "shitake mushroom pate" he loves that on his breakfast toast.. maybe some milk thistle extract and some kind of tea ect.. toothpaste without strong taste, not just for me but for my son. ect.. bla bla bla.. I say I'm going out, but my plans get rewritten on a daily basis. Today I wasn't even told by the school what time my son was going to be home. I had to wait and then he wanted to watch youtube videos with washing machines..

I really enjoyed this one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uEj5y7YwsWM

We were both laughing our arses off..It was a good thing.
Must sleep got to go shopping with my son and mother in law at 10am.. tomorrow.. but at least they gave me the night off. :D

freak!

Yes?

Was that you knocking on my door? Its almost midnight as far as I am concerned and I really don't want to get up and answer the door, nor do I to log in but something compells me..

could it be that those freebies are looking awefully good at this point in time, until I investigate those posts farther and realize I already beat them to the prize only last Friday.. I know, I know, naughty me, I'm not supposed to try new things and buy things that I want.. I'm only supposed to shop, no demos and no wearable demos, um right? After all that would be so totally anti-capitalistic of me if I were to hold on to my ill gotten undercut market gem's moneys and not spend a cent on some expensive gear, and don't even save up to create those massive amounts of textures stored up on the computer because that doesn't cut it..

Going out to the test grid, loading up a texture and seeing how it looks, well I just found out, its cheating of all things!! Who would ever want to make certain that they never waste lindens? Obviously a cheap bastard like myself!! And am I fit to walk in the shadow of the micro ecconomy?

Some have confronted me and said flat out that I had no buisness sence and yet, I still have my initial investment continuing to pay me back, that can't be bad, and yet I was told, on no uncertain terms how ignorant of the capitalist system I am..

Well I think I have mentioned it once before, what or which "capitalist" system are you addressing when you are dealing with a very closed market, a market of the masses eliminating competition.. the struggle between an entire "Asia" to my "Zimbabwae"... I am pushing a bicycle up the hill, and its been fun.. but do I want to risk riding it especially when I know that risking more will only mean I am going to put myself out of the game. This is the risk one takes.. I guess.

I live in a RL closed system, although I do and have done sparse projects and actually published images, as a freelancer in a strange field, the area of fine arts, I find that if only I could find an employer who would dare employ me outside of the artist union system, that I may actually substain a two year's under a service as an artist. Then I could actually be open to all the jobs after that short time within my area, because then AFK would allow me to have access to their jobs. Ah but that's just it, then there is this other sticky problem, my son, my traveling husband, and the idea of having to maintain this home. I'm probably even still "sjukskriven" even if I am starting to get better.. as I have not taken any money for my infirmities, it also leads me to being in a no man's land.. a world where nothing I do can be done if it can't be done within a short bit of time, and if it can not be done within certain hours of the day.

With that in mind, I will remove the lenses and start dreaming.. long day tomorrow, and this long day requires me to get some things IRL tied up. I may even attempt to ride my bicycle..

Updated.. for personal reasons I guess...

sooner or later some of the people I linked to are going to either phrase my great taste or curse me for putting them "out there" I am still looking for Ann Otoole's blog link in my huge pile of blogs.. plus I'm just going around adding the things I like to read.

Been a while..

Yeah I thought I changed all my info and forgot what I thought I changed it to, right, well to make a long story short, it didn't happen, the old pass word was still in effect and the old epost as well.. (geeze I bet its getting full from not looking at it for litterally YEARS!)

SL is still urging me to take it seriously in spite of some stupid changes of format that LL had to embark upon as well as some hidden agenda changes to the TOS.

Life so far.. personally, well, I'm still alive and healthy after 9 days of fasting, (it IS Tuesday, um, right?) Tomorrow will be the last day.. and I am learning something about the universe.

Zen masters say "do not search for the truth, but search for your options.." interesting.. perhaps I should take that into account when I look at Second Life policies.

I ditched the extra land for a song.. (I can't abandon it to Governer Linden, it would never reach the market as I would like it to in a short amount of time.. I would rather almost give away such lands, and wish that others would do the same, seriously)

Bad neighbours, I have had a few, but I've as far as I know, have been a good one, if not an annoying one.. still I keep to myself, build my crap in the sandbox, and show off my skills to overshadow the abandoned garbage prims hanging in the air above..

interesting developments, things are getting even more heated up within SL's blogsphere (a new word I keep using).

My son needs to do his homework so I must leave this behind for postarity and perhaps post again one day in the future.

Typical.. just when I thought it was safe to think out loud!

Valid during many months: This can be an extremely confusing time, because new information and data may come at you very rapidly. It may be very difficult to make intelligent decisions on most matters. If you have to make a decision, but your attitude toward the matter is not calm and cool, try to put it aside until your feelings are sorted out. This may be more difficult than it looks, because often under this influence people are tempted to make rash, impulsive decisions. Business transactions are also difficult now because of this tendency. However it is possible to handle transactions in scientific or technological fields, especially electronics. These fit the symbolism of this influence and may not be so difficult. But even under the best of circumstances, be careful!

A negative effect of this energy can be that you will feel extremely nervous and tense, because of the fast tempo of events.

Traveling during this time may be quite disruptive. No matter how carefully you make your plans, your trip will not work out as planned, and you may be forced to travel at the most inconvenient times.

One important psychological manifestation of this influence is that your ideas and opinions are likely to be strongly challenged by others. Your beliefs may very well be right, but the universe will force you to examine them so that you know for certain whether they are. You may be attracted to radically different ways of thinking, which can also provoke opposition from others at this time. This will affect your professional life in particular. If you express your opinions strongly in any area, be sure that you are in a position to defend them. But even if you are right, avoid stating your position dogmatically. Try to understand others' points of view, for you may learn from them.

The interpretation above is for your transit selected for today:
Uranus Square Mercury, , exact at 07:02
activity period from end of May 2008 until beginning of February 2010

http://www.astro.com/