Tuesday, 27 May 2008

When ambition falls asleep..

.... an example of what happens when you end up sleep walking though life...

As both a "slacker" and a "ecco" mum.. I look in the mirror and ask myself "what do you want to be?".."I want to be who I am.. so what about the so called "conflicts".. those are other people's problems because they are too attached to belief systems.." "True" I say back-- it is obvious that the cage of belief is strong and people tend to want a nice box to define you with. To those who I agree with.. I often can not fully agree with EVERYTHING they say.. but then again why should I? I rarely agree completely with myself.. right? I suspect no one can, not if they are honst with everthing they see and are flexible.

For the crime of flexibility and Non-commitment to the Protestant work ethic--- you are labled a Slacker..

For the crime being vegan/vegetarian and of wanting to know and be aware of where what little money I have goes to (and making sure its a good cause) you are labled an "Ecco Loonie" as well as "High Mantanance".

.. and for being interested in politics that makes sense.. ..and ideas that goverments should be held accountable for their actions you are either a raving loony or a member of the new "sensible" poltical party (started by Captian Sensible he is one great looking vegan!!!.) Hippy bastard..

And for not believing obviously stupid statements put out their by the consolidated media.. you are labled the worst of all.. a conspiricy nut.

I think the best of all the lables I see .. the one that defines me now is Zombie and I don't want it.. I hate sleepwalking though life.

taking that leap.. do I need time to think?

Yes yes.. I know I don't call, I don't write.. youtube without some people who brought me into the whole experience has been rather difficult..

Soundcard problems.. before that the flu and I happen to once again, once again get knocked off kilter here in 12th house heaven.. the time of strong self examination provides exits and distraction to avoid the real "suffering" and that suffering of course is avoiding the fact I am avoiding something so I totally try to avoid that!

What am I avoiding? Well.. there are many chambers in this maze.. the heart that is locked away because I am not allowed to talk to people has effected how I talk to people I CAN access.. and then my avoidance of my friends and my mother leave me to think I do it because I have allot on my mind and I don't think this is the time to explode at them..but rather those close to me for making me lock the doors of communication I have the possiblity of opening.

There is the other factor which has probably destroyed my health since it happened about 3 years ago and that was the final relief of someone taking contact up with me only to finally write me off as possibly not worth it for the sake of my possibly strict out of the loop point of view..

I'm not hip, I'm not young.. I'm growing weary of the fact that this block was commited last year via the guise of a door of oportunity left open a crack but not enough to really really get an understanding (from both sides). I am the queen of conflict and I bring up things to the surface for people which are uncomfortable.. so some of these minor dramas of recent months of cold abandonment are minor but hurt possibly more due to the fact it was like salt in an already wounded space and didn't relate to the real here nor there.

It resonates because the first "AlterEgoTrip" was born as a MySpace alternative account- an alternative to my REAL myspace account because someone had a block on bands but made a final step to interact with me by invite. AlterEgoTrip myspace was deleted after a few weeks of interaction which lead to conflicts.. just as I thought the surface was finally starting to wear away into truth...that very day I deleted that myspace account.. AlterEgoTrip showed up as a youtube channel and a few months later I actually made a first video.

Then the guilt the guilt for my feeling of abandoning my geniune friend, Greta for the fact that I deep down wished that Julie could be equally as cool and equally as deep and aware of things. I can't emphisise enough how bad I feel for wishing one person was more like another- especially since both have equally gone through the wringer at such young ages... and naturally come up with different results because of different perspectives and the freedom each one had (or didn't) to make their own mistakes.

And because of the fight between the two Petes I leave Pete number 3 who also feels distraught about the whole mess to his own life to publishing (probably out to print soon too again as he does one book every 1-2 years).. (I've really got to drop a real painting by him for his birthday! and naturally like always for everyone write something to say "hello")

With so many other people who have been left in the silence of my constant shakey ground of my own daily dose of shock..childhood friends also thought of.. also unable to lift up my fingers to say hello with what its worth.. unable to look at my Myspace.. unable to fix up a youtube video and yet I forge ahead to the ground that isn't blocked with feeling of adversion and guilt.. and yet it IS.. it is my second life.

I intended to take a leap for what its worth and get an actual premium account so I can own land (under the time of my account is in effect and maybe a little more :O) and unlimited uploads (maybe that is not true) and an ability to start my own buisness.. starting with onrez and finally creating vendors and a shop oooooh right.

My deepest fear is that I too will abandon this in 6 months to a year.. for one reason or another.. and that doesn't appeal to me.. what I need to do is clear up the psychic mess.. its starting to unblock now.. partially because right now my Inlaws are moving giving us the space of the intire house and then its Summer and we have FAMILY time soon, I hope. If it doesn't work out.. or we can't handle it.. then I will be seriously disappointed.

I'm already shrugging off the disappointment of my own expectations. I was considering one option also with the land ownership and that was donating land to one of my groups.. but this is the catch.. they need to change the name.. because after what happened with one of the most brilliant youtube members.. I can not allow for the name of youtube to continue without them paying for it. Either that or make a Video Face - Print Head group or a multitasker's group..it is an idea but since I have joined so many groups for free crap.. I have to rotate those if I start an actual group... it seems many within Fab Free do this allot and its nothing to be ashamed of.

Cycling down.. gearing down.. real life painting may take over if can't learn how to schedual myself so I can do my multi task dreams such as creating a song for Eurovision-- this year??? Fixing my son's new room.. keeping in touch with family.. keeping well and physically active to avoid health problems.. not over doing it!!!! Running about with my little boy---making videos-- painting upstairs and making our own furnishings for that room to multi-task in.. and finally starting a Second Life buisness on top of SUMMER Hollidays.. I feel a bit unrealistic looking at this list, especially when I see that on a daily basis I get caught up in cleaning and cooking for hours on end as well.

Thus I end up staying up late to fulfill my internet demands and have had delays in making videos I have promised to make (a naked vlogg or one with a naked theme I don't know)..that was before I got the flu.. and I miss my friends my very very real friends over at SP chat but I can no longer stay up so late on Friday because its probably the only contact my husband and I may have for anything close.

Life is good but there is a new need for more hours in the day (and night for decent sleep)..

Should I really take this second life leap on top of all this other stuff?