Tuesday, 18 March 2008

my adventures into employment via Linden Labs..

In my small research and the aplication to the Linden labs as inworld employee.. I discover the reason why there are SO many freaking barbies..(aside from the Alady Shop)

Many of the creators were employed by Mattel and Disney corperation.. is it only an escape from that mindset, style, design or is it an attempt to take those embedded images to another level to a world where we are expected to face it on a more personal, face to face situation? As residents are we able to discern what is the agenda of Linden Labs? Is there an agenda or is this too a babbling from one of the disconteded..?

Mattel is the product lable of "Barbie", now does it surprise you after knowing this that so many AVs look like "Barbies" (and "Kens")? With this also in mind, the majority of the designers who make prim shoes create them with this mindset of "feet set to "0"" what I consider a "Barbie" feature as well, as the doll always had amazingly small feet.. which brings used to frustrate me to no end.. until I got an actual doll that had flat and larger feet and even made some of my own bigger "dolls" in clay with beautiful chunky little feet...

Changing the train of thought, I find myself wondering how much of Barbie's design has gone into the female form of SL? And with that in mind, the idea of castles, Disney and "Kink" comes to mind as well... I always thought that Disney had a darker underbelly lerking within its messages and films.... there was always a feeling in my gut concerning the latest 30-40 years of film which has come out from this mega giant media monopoly... it is like the drawing and character design was all a secret langauge of "good is beautiful and evil is ugly" but in reality we all know that the myths of Christian faith portray the devil as a handsome man (and within the ideas of the more Jewish myths as a drop dead gorgous woman explained to me by someone). And why not?

Even in our cultural reality the multitude of serial killers had a handsome face and charm to lure the victims they selected.. so it only makes sense to me that we should be conditioned into that devilish little trap of looking at people's outter layer.. and not even focus upon their inner content. Its a trap that makes little girls dream of beauty contests (or is it their mother's dreams?) and even if beauty is not the end all be all, it reduces all that is good into a simple equasion.

Then for men the aquasition of the beautiful, the princessess.. it basicly is an equasion that makes certain that even if you are a good person, hunched over with a deformed back and ringing a bell in seclusion, you are only going to be the "friends" of the girls you love, and its always going to be that "handsome prince" who is going to get the girl in the end.. as the story is written.

Even still as Disney fights against that idea, in so many of its cute films with the same message about beauty and populatarity such as "Encino Man".. there is always a glitch in how they present their message, as even if the Cave "kid" was no longer covered in mud and cleaned up well, and was his own person, he was well formed and handsome enough to make my mother swoon and determined to see this film on every rerun its shown.

To understand this idealistic vision of people as real, and presented as real.. there is another message that was given to me.. (I guess my problem is that I want something deeper and it doesn't matter who the "actor" is as long as I feel something about the sincerity) the message was, in questioning the "IDEAL" when I did that, the very simplistic view of someone who I grew up was "who wants to see a film with a bunch of "ugly people" in it?"

I was horrified at this thought..because it brought up to the surface the real reason it bothered me so.. because it came down to a select few deciding what visual human beauty was.

Monday, 17 March 2008

Chocolate covered silk zombies and Irish dancing

Last week, before I got so distracted with making things, I had a visit from Sayax who donated some money to the cause of creating things in SL.. and I showed him a few portrait AVs I made.. and it was very nice.

The next day in the morning for me, I found myself at home in my house at SL after an adventure in Nexus Prime.. I got there because I looked at my chess board's creator's profile. It was interesting to find an older sim so far back.. with a story line and streaming media, that at the time I could not access and now I can't because I've been so busy. Ah but it was an adventure.. I took out the bicycle blimp and made an air examination after going though some of the main buildings earlier.. spooky but facinating stuff.. a person could really be taken in there. The atmosphere is filled with intrique.

So noting more about prims I realized my chess board was far too large.. so I had to put it away. :( so my instalation is no longer a chess party. But I got a low prim auto playing harp and then Space and Django came over and showed me some of what they found in the Hungarian sim... "silks" (as in Fish and Silk :P ) for free with the name Chocolate.. and a dance bracelet..

and the semi nudity was insane.. and the dancing was insane it was very Dionysian to the harp music and the flapping of the freebie silks.. and the skin showing OMG!! :D it was so funny I had to do it too.. and Space and Django to make things even funnier found some beat up skins with scars and bruises.. so it was like they were zombies and stuff... where as I was trying to cover up and where the silks trying to find something to match up but the dancing didn't make it easier, and neither did seeing my fat arse!!! :D man I did make my AV just the right size..I could see the back fat AND my arse fat!!! If only I too had a scared skin.. but IRL is good enough!

Anyway I ended covering myself in butterflies and flowers to cover the naughty places since my skin wasn't as PG as I wanted it to be. It was really funny.. but I guess you had to be there..

When Vidd showed up we tried to start this up again, but we got ejected from the platform high above and while I was falling... I was trying to get dressed in something more covering.. and just as I was falling, I got this message someone dressed as a white tiger was in my house..

Last night a week later, a white wolf was in my house, while I was looking for my parasol..and it barked at me..and then I asked "how can I help you?" and it ran away.. Strange.. I even tried to follow it on the map with no luck.

Sunday, 9 March 2008

On an island, an exile

Under the radar of most views.. I am there.. funny how someone ELSE used my former words.. now I must make new phrases.

Ok so beneath an underground fortress, built of trust and companionship..we are..we become united in the force of a friendship of commonalities, creativity, a sense of fun and a lack of alterior motives..

I don't expect the ones missing should ever read this.. they exiled us, and put themselves on an island in their own enabling world. When I come to think of how I see people toss aside people valuable people in their lives.. but then again there were red flags. I was finally let in on some information, but then it made the mystery even more mysterious.. because one should never within a relationship answer any form of love with bitterness, hatred and apathy... if IT had been that way..but even still this is what is wrong with the world.

I know for a fact I would never treat my own husband, if he were on SL and messed about, I mean really messed about too (nothing minor) in a way that he was a dog to be diciplined.. and perhaps emotionaly beaten.. tell him to cut off all contact and walk away..from all of his friends. Because you can't answer LOVE with HATE... but in a way people who do are the ultimate confomists.. because they fear and feel threatened by someone who is not really "there", even in real life, someone my husband and I met.. a beautiful girl, I was there enjoying her company and my husband said.. "she wants me" in front of his friends and I.. then he followed it with "but she would have to pay..but you I give myself for free.."

I smiled and said "I agree.. If I were you, I'd go for it.." and winked.. "she's gourgous!!!" because there was no way I could compete.. but at the same time.. I did agree.. she was totally stunning.. and younger.. what can I do?

I will never answer LOVE or anything along that level with HATE.. no wonder why his male friends said "wow, you have a great wife!!" and as far I kept in touch with Cia for a few years after that too.. because she was totally sweet..not just beautiful (PS.. it was all talk for my husband and nothing happened between them because she was after all a girlfriend to a friend of his) I think we were both moved by her beauty.. thats what happens sometimes.

I have a few friends IRL, some of them have impulses which makes it hard for them to see their friends as just friends.. but someone they love. That is not a problem.. not really, the problem is when he/she crosses the line to where everyone is potentially a sexual conquest because of the lusty impulses.. and with that, I understand that people get hurt, but I understand why it happens.. its because no one can control the heart, and in order for them to control or have control over their "heart" they have strong urges to consumate any and all relationships which move them.. in a way it helps them to purge themselves, but it comes at the price of many lost friends and a hard time dealing with people they have very close relationships with, especially those who are outside of that "area", due to a lack of avaliablity on their part..

I'm not saying that I would have been on the same track.. because I do actually find myself delighted with people.. all genders and all appearances.. there use to be a real genuine fight inside of me, but its not there any longer, I do what I do, but I'm not out to love someone.. or make them love me.. I have that at home.. a family at home.. but friendships are actually one of the deepest loves you can have aside from love of your children; and when a person has very few friends due to the fact that they cannot share themselves with another person.. or feel that being friends with anyone but a partner are they not also obviously guilty of that impulse.. only they shun it and hate it when it comes up in themselves.

It reminds me IRL, of those times where its a whole new school season.. its the beginning.. and with beginnings you get all that new stuff.. and I was a compulsive doodler, I would cover my new notebooks in cartoons and doodles and words and scribbles... and I would say every season.. "this time I'm not going to scribble on my fresh new notebook..." and every time it would last about 2 weeks but that same urge would happen.. being that I would draw comics in class.. and couldn't be discouraged even with continued confiscation and trips to the principle's office..

One day.. I stopped, and in stopping I lost a bit of my soul..because it didn't make it stop just to stop, but rather it took the compulsiveness of my creative urge away..but with some of that being gone, I am only half the artist I was when I was a child...because with that came the impulse and made my will bend me. And was it an unhealthy thing after all? Maybe all those visits to the head office fucked up my head.. made them think they were actually doing something to create my conformity after all and that I am a brainwashed fool for it all.. and yes, I am only half the artist I could have been because of it.

Maybe I should have been like my brother and fall in to a pack mentality and see where that would have lead me?

But what about the love of anything? It is the thing that makes us better than just human.. it is the glory and the proof of existance of the soul..... and had it been Me doing the "pursuing" I offer a few things to contradict this idea.. and one is I gave many vitual gifts to all of my "friends" It was because it was a nice thing to do, so if someone thought I was just giving THEM anything, it wasn't just them, it was nothing personal but it was personalized.. and it goes with the teritory of being a friend of mine.. Had the "wife" been there where I could see her, she would have also been showered in gifts.. I only felt guilty that I didn't find ones that cost more points so when that happened I ended up giving more.

Or was that the problem.. I gave Gifts to OTHER people??? Did that mean, you weren't the ONLY ONE???? OMG, Jealousy????

Man.. thats got to hurt!! Jealousy and paranioa.. I forgive you for being human and having these feelings which crop up out of a feeling of love..

So now make your appologies and refriend your friends and back away from me with a better explanation than I have given here and I will accept it.. but don't cut yourself off from those who love you.. outside your self made island of exile..

PS I feel bad for any woman who should feel a threat from a cartoon lady who is a real person who has a family and is MORE than 10 years older than YOU..a person as a "fan" of yours and wanted, possibly all too late because of your lack of being with all of us, wanted to be your friend.

Saturday, 8 March 2008

So just what IS missing in SL?

There are allot of things missing in Second Life...

Here is my list:
Decent Goblin hats
Crazy Viking Beserkers
Vitual Punk Venues (it seems)
African Music
Signs of how to avoid people with hidden agendas
Genuine Bravery

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

A day at Grendel's

So since I had so little time on my hands.. and then when I finally did, I went to Grendel's where they have special avatars at affordable prices.. and used my camping money to obtain a Will o the Wisp, for about 15 lindens... kind of symbolic of how I feel.. kind of like those lonely little dangerous lights out on the moors luring and taunting people into danger.. bogs.. pits and the eventual quicksand.

I even got a package of fish shapes, dragonflies and "no face"..(no face was totally free) and since My son and I are huge fans of Spirited Away.. a no face avatar seemed fitting.

If anyone wishes to join Second Life or is a part of Second Life and finds it interesting to film a shot of a Person playing a game of chess with a gold fish.. don't be shy, leave a comment and join me..

Monday, 3 March 2008

Now I'm utterly confused!!!

I've been banned????

Holly crap what on earth did I say, I mean.. other than less cheeky things I have been told... I mean seriously.. I must be an evil bitch.. and the entire world utterly utterly hates me.. I should seriously have a party about it because I was going to write a ps note and say, I'm sorry I didn't say so earlier, but happy birthday...

But I'm not looking for empathy.. only explainations... its all I was asking for..its seriously weird to provoke so much apathy or hate.

and I didn't want drama. *roll eyes here*

Sunday, 2 March 2008

Was it something I said?

Sometimes I say things.. it may hurt or insult or just annoy.. what did I say this last time????

I feel like someone is avoiding me.. and I don't really know why... but my writting is sucky unless its fictional..or dramatic at times.. but I've had a belly full of drama IRL and I want a small sip of compassion.

I feel myself grow colder and darker, my ability to speak stressed by a sore throat and earaches...I am screaming out, in my heart to communicate something, but music doesn't feel effective, nor do words. Things are changing here at home... and with the changes always comes a feeling of hesitation because transitional phases in life are always places of danger as well as new energy.

I feel happy about getting more space, but sad about less resources.. but I want to turn it around.. make resources from my imagination as I was meant to work.. another reason SL had become so important to me.. aside from friendships, meaningful and finally people I can relate to friendships.. and I fear that it is being taken from me... in one way or another.. and there is no person in the world who is rich enough to lose a friend, a real friend that is.. or a genunine person who can be a friend.

My friendship between my husband and I is often stressed because we ask so much from each other..it becomes more or less parental.. this is why I fear to ask much from my friends, because I feel once you HAVE to ask so much... you risk losing the value of the freedom that happens between people being like children..

My approach to SL has been this way.. as IRL, I'm thrilled by attention, as any child would be, but I'm avoiding situations where I seek it or it me..and like children when we find a person to really talk to us, are we not "in love" with that? Do you remember what it was when you were a child and you were just walking home from school and one of your class mates asks if you could come to their home and play? Wasn't it just the dearest feeling in the world?

What about that feeling when your good friend moved away.. and you were left all alone? Or what about those times when you had to move away and make all new friends....? If it didn't hurt.. you weren't fucking human.

Some of the best songs I've personally ever written were not about "love".. but about friendships gone bad.. because love in its nature is frail, where as I see friendships as strong and healthy and can stand up and fight for themselves.. but oh how it does cut up your heart when people missunderstand you or betray..!

But the thing about friendships most of all is not that they "help" you in anyway.. maybe they do, maybe they don't.. but it is the joy and connection with people..and the ablity to play.

When two of my friends got into a fight, I am standing in the middle.. and although I said "hello" its worse than being friends with two people you were friends with before they divorced!!! And now I don't say hello to either one so much and hope for one thing only - that they will see beyond their differences, put aside the problems that conflict has caused,, appologize and remember what they mean to each other... because they were BEST friends, but not taking sides here.. both are firey Aries!!! (Aries IS my 11th house cusp so it doesn't surpise me that these firey, charismatic types ARE my friends!!!!)

But in SL, I wonder if they could come around for tea and have a little talk? I mean I'd love to see them both there.. really, and desire not to seperate one section of my life for another.. and maybe introduce them to my friends via youtube and SL...it would be so cool.. since everyone is in the music industry in one way or another..and most of all.. I would love to win back the real friendship that was between my husband and I before we became what we are now.. (what ever that IS).

On the 4th of March is our aniversery..2001, and although techincally we never did do that American thing and actually "marry" there is a legal and binding contract beween two people who live together like marrage but without all that bloodtest, witness.. whatever.. my engagement ring says his name and the 4th of March.. and this is two years after I moved to Sweden... almost to the date, but only almost. Today is that day.

Go out there now and hug you friends today.. and tell them you miss them.

Saturday, 1 March 2008

Never never land

Last night I went to Metamophisis to a Tiny party..

I made my tiny costume the first thing I got the notice, which was 15 minute before the party started!!!

I used the smallest avatar I had.. (non modifiyable :P) and dressed her up in a gold mascarade ballet outfit I aquired with high heels, a black feather fan and dragonfly wings.. and danced most of the night with a teddybear with what he called "attitude" from Spain.. Craneo.

It still wasn't as fun as finally getting armour and shooting a long bow out in the sandbox with Vidd..

It was kind of crazy and fun.. and vitually bloodthirsty as Vidd said I looked !! I want to go and find a decent sim to really let loose some of these arrows upon.. I think its time to go Zombie hunting!!!