Was it something I said?

Sometimes I say things.. it may hurt or insult or just annoy.. what did I say this last time????

I feel like someone is avoiding me.. and I don't really know why... but my writting is sucky unless its fictional..or dramatic at times.. but I've had a belly full of drama IRL and I want a small sip of compassion.

I feel myself grow colder and darker, my ability to speak stressed by a sore throat and earaches...I am screaming out, in my heart to communicate something, but music doesn't feel effective, nor do words. Things are changing here at home... and with the changes always comes a feeling of hesitation because transitional phases in life are always places of danger as well as new energy.

I feel happy about getting more space, but sad about less resources.. but I want to turn it around.. make resources from my imagination as I was meant to work.. another reason SL had become so important to me.. aside from friendships, meaningful and finally people I can relate to friendships.. and I fear that it is being taken from me... in one way or another.. and there is no person in the world who is rich enough to lose a friend, a real friend that is.. or a genunine person who can be a friend.

My friendship between my husband and I is often stressed because we ask so much from each other..it becomes more or less parental.. this is why I fear to ask much from my friends, because I feel once you HAVE to ask so much... you risk losing the value of the freedom that happens between people being like children..

My approach to SL has been this way.. as IRL, I'm thrilled by attention, as any child would be, but I'm avoiding situations where I seek it or it me..and like children when we find a person to really talk to us, are we not "in love" with that? Do you remember what it was when you were a child and you were just walking home from school and one of your class mates asks if you could come to their home and play? Wasn't it just the dearest feeling in the world?

What about that feeling when your good friend moved away.. and you were left all alone? Or what about those times when you had to move away and make all new friends....? If it didn't hurt.. you weren't fucking human.

Some of the best songs I've personally ever written were not about "love".. but about friendships gone bad.. because love in its nature is frail, where as I see friendships as strong and healthy and can stand up and fight for themselves.. but oh how it does cut up your heart when people missunderstand you or betray..!

But the thing about friendships most of all is not that they "help" you in anyway.. maybe they do, maybe they don't.. but it is the joy and connection with people..and the ablity to play.

When two of my friends got into a fight, I am standing in the middle.. and although I said "hello" its worse than being friends with two people you were friends with before they divorced!!! And now I don't say hello to either one so much and hope for one thing only - that they will see beyond their differences, put aside the problems that conflict has caused,, appologize and remember what they mean to each other... because they were BEST friends, but not taking sides here.. both are firey Aries!!! (Aries IS my 11th house cusp so it doesn't surpise me that these firey, charismatic types ARE my friends!!!!)

But in SL, I wonder if they could come around for tea and have a little talk? I mean I'd love to see them both there.. really, and desire not to seperate one section of my life for another.. and maybe introduce them to my friends via youtube and SL...it would be so cool.. since everyone is in the music industry in one way or another..and most of all.. I would love to win back the real friendship that was between my husband and I before we became what we are now.. (what ever that IS).

On the 4th of March is our aniversery..2001, and although techincally we never did do that American thing and actually "marry" there is a legal and binding contract beween two people who live together like marrage but without all that bloodtest, witness.. whatever.. my engagement ring says his name and the 4th of March.. and this is two years after I moved to Sweden... almost to the date, but only almost. Today is that day.

Go out there now and hug you friends today.. and tell them you miss them.