Walking backwards

taking a trip though the past doesn't usually do anyone any good, I miss the way things were with youtube, however.. once some people were gone, and some of the things that happened took an unexpected turn.. people who went from cool to harrasing.. as an example and people who went from friends to "banned".. its kind of difficult to wrap my head around that kind of thought.

I have enough RL for that..not that any activity that happens on the internet is not real, it may even be more real, the hurt I experience there is possibly worse due to the fact that that is a personal space inside my mind and I allowed "others" to come in and walk around. Heck, note that my virtual address has no doors, I welcome all.. (until there is a problem) and I haven't had to boot, injure "kill avatar" or ban anyone..

In the old Gnubie area I had more trouble..I had people walking around and sometimes they were running in and running out NAKED.. and sometimes a person who had stopped by for what seemed to be a friendly visit, suddenly jumped on my avatar and try to sit on me, and then take out a virtual body part and show it to me.. what was the deal? I thought the idea of a PG area was at least KNOWN..

At least with Eldora, I have this brilliant place.. even if I want to take all the neglected properties around me and just clear them.. (I even hijacked some of their prims to keep people from rezing around the area) I love that little house there.. I feel good there... funny thing is, people, what they do.. I have to wonder, my Eldora is humble in comparison, even if a grand sized hut, it is simple.. and yet.. I cling to it as it is, although I am capable of grander and much more.. I can't bring myself to change it.. not one bit, but soon I may have no other choice.

I want a winter garden.. with a tiny tea shop.. I have so many tea cans to recreate now, and my eyes.. they make me really happy.. they feel "good"..

I am simple and pathetic and yet, I seek the simple joy of creating something, sharing it and having others enjoy it too.. just as a child would. I know sometimes I get a bit worried that people will reject my apreciation of them too, considering past records of things. Even my own mother set me up for this, when I was a child, I drew and made so many things in school and I made them for her, ah but the way things go, one day, in a sudden outburst my mother said "would you stop making these things for me, I can't keep them all, I am running out of space!!!"

It really hurt me more than I care to think about, and I was only 3 or 4 at the time, but I remember so much.. how I just wanted her to like what I made... to understand that I made it for her because I loved her... and from that day, it always put me in a kind of conflict with trying to please people.. to worry about when what is too much appreciation. From the perspective of walking backwards into the past, as an older person, I can see, she loves me in her own way, that she never understood that ambition to win over people or to show appreciation to people by giving them something one makes with your own hand.. she was based in practicality and had no joy from asthetic beauty in the same sense as I gave her.. maybe my techical skill has been turned towards the goal due to the fact that I wanted to create things that she would find "prettier".. than store bought tourist velvet glitter gifts from Japan that she got from her father..but I could never do that, I know that now, because it was not the things for her, but who gave them to her..I don't really know... because, strangely enough.. things changed

She grew to be the one who found some paper I scribbled on when I was speaking on the telephone and put it away to be framed.. *eyes pop* to take the smallest nothing I did and make it out to be "brilliant"

It seems to me, thats the kind of off ballance life I have with people.. my mother in law.. in deep hatred of me.. getting worse the more I stay away, due to the fact she called me a lier to my face, when she lied about ringing the door bell when I was home.. and me not coming to the door.. ah.. but that is a longer story, and then it is the mistranslation, and missinterpretation, even my husband's sister is involved to believe that what she believes she heard was actually true.. but they have to ask themselves, why would they believe I would say THAT? could they have already formed an opinion of me after all these years and the filter of the mother in laws perceptions have done far too my damage?

She is an insecure lady..no doubt, but she is ALSO someone who never allows for people to talk to each other.. and makes it harder for people to talk with eachother due to the fact, she wants everything on her own terms.. so when I dictated a few of my own, she was pissed.

Still.. hindsight.. and she says I manipulate her son (my husband who has HIS OWN MIND, thanks) so that he always stands on my side- HA HA HA!! Boy she insulted him with that remark, he didn't have to be there to be insulted, because I was there for him and felt it was a blow against what she would call "good judgement".. its so bad, the only thing to do is "avoid" or "confront".. and she avoids when I confront..typically passive agressive.. and yet behind my back.. it seems the only thing I am good for is cooking. (at least I am good for something)

but Youtube.. with what is going on there.. who got thrown off.. and the things going on..well... lets see.. I see metropolis is back on youtube..:P must have got a camera again..and to mention him would be a bad point.. just due to the fact I was falsely accused there of something I was not confronted with either.. WTF is going on with people? I like people.. people who are safe for me to like though-- its like this.. I realize and told my husband this major problematic point:

I tend to ditch any friend who gets close to me these days IF I find that I am starting to like them anywhere nearly as much as I like my husband as just a friend.. NOW this is where it gets tricky.. I get very close to people even if I put it down in my mind I never will and don't want to.. and then there are some people who are my friends in real life, (as well as on the internet) and I have been woahfully neglecting them due to the fact, that A, I have been feeling a bit hurt about other friendships, and B, that I had to fight for time to grow my friendships only for this time to be considered "time wasting" and C, I really love them mentally, and don't want to because then, the love that I have been saving for the admiration and appreciation of my husband feels betrayed, even if the "love" I feel is a matter of joy or admiration.

IOW, had someone felt that I got too close to them.. and banned me just because of that, they really didn't have to, because it would have never gone that way anyhow.... it would have been rather flirty and then dead by the time it thought about in the walking backwards effect.. and then they themselves would have found out what I am all about.. which is really quite nothing much really.. thank goodness no one ever reads these things! They would have found out sooner than I would have.. because it took months for me to come to this conclusion.

I am just a runner.. I leave a bunch of people behind me because I feel too much..not bad to feel too much, in fact when it comes to too much or nothing, naturally I choose too much..I really don't like being treated like that myself.. but they should remember they did nothing to cause my silence..

I'm just shy when it comes to facing the conflict at the core of my heart... a difference between my "universal love" and the need to put a leash on it.. and direct it completely over to my husband.. because I don't want anyone to be a better friend to me than he is.. even if he isn't really a good friend sometimes at all.. (he used to be my bestest best friend in the whole wide world)

none the less.. if you got my gifts.. things I created and put value upon, you got some of my heart..